Balancing Assertiveness & Empathy
If you’re overly assertive and lack empathy, everyone knows exactly what to call you (and it’s not flattering).
But if you’re overly empathetic and don’t know how to assert yourself, you’ll eventually feel overlooked, unheard, and taken advantage of.
The key to emotional intelligence and great leadership, parenting, and relationships ... is balance.
It’s learning to hold both traits at once: assertiveness and empathy.
A Real-Life Lesson
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned while raising my teenage boys is how important this balance really is.
When they were little, empathy came easy... hugs, reassurance, understanding every emotion. But as they’ve grown, there are moments that require more assertiveness... boundaries, accountability, and tough conversations about choices and consequences.
If I lead with only empathy, they might not take responsibility.
If I lead with only assertiveness, I risk shutting them down.
So I’ve learned to listen first, validate their feelings, and then clearly communicate expectations - calmly, directly, and respectfully.
That’s emotional intelligence in action: understanding their emotions while managing my own.
What Assertiveness Is (and Isn't)
Assertiveness isn't being loud or forceful. It’s the ability to respond intellectually rather than emotionally... to express your needs, boundaries, and values with confidence and respect.
What Empathy Is
Empathy is the ability to understand and share another’s feelings.
It builds connection, trust, and safety. But without boundaries, it can slip into people-pleasing or exhaustion.
How to Balance the Two
Pause before you respond. Take a breath and ask yourself, “What outcome do I want?”
Validate before you advocate. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings before sharing your own.
Be clear, not cruel. Clarity is kindness. Assertiveness doesn’t require aggression - it requires precision.
Use “I” statements. “I need,” “I believe,” or “I feel” keeps communication calm and authentic.
Lead with love, but hold the line. Empathy opens the door; assertiveness keeps things moving forward.
When you balance assertiveness and empathy, you model emotional intelligence for everyone around you - your kids, your colleagues, and your teams.
It’s how you lead with both heart and backbone.
And it’s one of the most powerful ways to be who you came to be.
PS. This is one of the Secrets to Level Up Your Leadership - perfect for your Q1 meetings! Email me for more information.
xoxo, Tara
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