Tara’s Tips: Raising The Human Advantage
When Jack was in preschool, he had a habit of coming home every day, dumping his backpack on the kitchen island and running off.
And every day, I’d sort through it.
Important papers. Random crafts. And SO. MUCH. ART.
Noodle art. Finger paintings. Construction paper creations. You know the drill.
And then one day, Jack opened the trash can. There, sitting right on top, was his “art.”He came into the kitchen with tears in his eyes and asked, “Mom, why did you throw away my art?”
Ohhhhh no.
I felt TERRIBLE.
But I also knew we couldn’t keep every single piece of preschool noodle artwork that came through our house.
So we dug it all back out - thankfully, the trash was clean - and sat down together. And I asked him one question:
“Are you proud of this?”
Not, Is it good?
Not, Do I like it?
Not, Did your teacher like it?
Are YOU proud of it? Is this your best work?
We went through every piece, and then we made a deal.
He would have one special spot on the refrigerator for his Art of the Week. He could keep what was there, or when something came home that he was even more proud of, he could replace it.
Without realizing it at the time, we had started teaching him one of the most important skills I believe we can give our kids:
How to self-assess.
And looking back, I think some of this came from my own grandmother.
My grandmother was an artist, and when I was growing up, we were always creating something together - paintings, pinch pots, crafts, you name it.
And I can still hear the feedback she gave me:
“You are so creative.”
Notice she didn’t say, “Wow, Tara, that’s a great pinch pot.”
Because let’s be clear…it probably wasn’t. She wasn’t constantly evaluating the product. She was helping me recognize something in myself.
And I think there’s an important distinction here for us as parents:
Affirm who they are. Teach them to assess what they do.
Tell them what you see in them.
“You’re creative.”
“You’re persistent.”
“You’re a great problem-solver.”
“You really care about people.”
But when it comes to their performance, effort or choices, we don’t always have to be the judge.
We can hand the evaluation back to them.
Are you proud?
Over the years, that became a question we used for everything.
Are you proud of how you cleaned your room?
Are you proud of the effort you gave?
Are you proud of how you handled that situation?
Are you proud of the way you showed up?
And full disclosure: there were PLENTY of times I asked, “Are you proud of how your room looks?” and got some version of, “I don’t really care.”
But that’s part of it too.
The goal isn’t to make our kids meet our standard.
It’s to teach them how to develop their own.
Give Your Kids a Clear Mirror
We started doing the same thing with sports. After a game, instead of immediately telling our boys how they played, we’d ask:
“How do YOU think you did?”
What are you proud of?
What did you do well?
Where could you have been better?
What do you want to work on?
I call this looking into the Clear Mirror - being able to see yourself accurately enough to celebrate what’s working AND take ownership of what isn’t.
Because when we’re constantly telling our kids how they did, we can unintentionally train them to look outside themselves for the answer.
Was I good?
Did I do enough?
Are you proud of me?
But when we teach them to self-assess, something changes.
They learn to recognize their strengths without needing someone else to point them out.
They learn to identify areas for growth without believing that means they’ve failed.
They develop personal accountability.
And they start building confidence based on knowing themselves, instead of constantly needing validation from everyone around them.
This Week’s Tuesday Tip
Before you give your child your assessment, ask for theirs.
Instead of: “You played great!”
Ask: “How do you think you played?”
Instead of: “This room is a mess.”
Ask: “Are you proud of how you took care of your space?”
Instead of: “You should have studied harder.”
Ask: “Are you proud of the effort you put in?”
Then listen.
You may be surprised by how clearly kids can see themselves when we give them the opportunity.
Affirm who they are. Teach them to assess what they do.
Hand them the mirror.
Because our goal isn’t to raise kids who need us to constantly tell them they’re doing a good job. It’s to raise kids who know themselves well enough to say:
I’m proud of that.
Or…
I can do better.
And have the confidence to know the difference.
Keep Shining - Be Who You Came To Be,
