Tara’s Tips: Raising The Human Advantage
August is back-to-school month here in Kansas. New classrooms. New teachers. New teams. New expectations. And for many families, an entirely new season of life.
It feels like the perfect time to talk about parenting with emotional intelligence and how we can intentionally help young people develop the human skills they’ll need in a rapidly changing world. As technology advances and AI transforms how we learn, work and communicate, emotional intelligence will become more important than ever. Self-awareness, empathy, communication, leadership, confidence and the ability to build meaningful relationships aren’t “soft skills.” They are our Human Advantage.
So, throughout August, I’m sharing a series of Tuesday Tips about raising emotionally intelligent children.
And if you aren’t a parent, this series is still for you. You may be a teacher, coach, grandparent, aunt, uncle, mentor or leader. You may have young people in your life who are watching how you respond, listening to how you speak and learning from how you make them feel. These principles also apply to the way we lead adults. Whether we’re raising children, developing employees or encouraging someone we love, emotionally intelligent leadership begins by seeing people for who they are - not simply who we want them to be.
And that brings me to the first lesson: Be who you came to be.
When my oldest son, Ben, was born, my grandmother sent him a powder-blue note signed with seven intentional words: “Be who you came to be.”
…Not who your parents want you to be.
…Not who your friends expect you to be.
…Not who the world rewards you for pretending to be.
Be who you came to be.
Those words became the foundation of my work, but long before I shared them from a stage, they shaped the way Scott and I raised our boys.
I get compliments all the time about Ben and Jack: how they carry themselves, how they interact with adults, how they bring people together and often become the glue within their friend groups. They’re strong students, disciplined athletes and genuinely good humans. Yes, I’m a proud mom. And yes, I’m bragging a little. But I also know that who they are didn’t happen accidentally. We were intentional about helping them develop emotional intelligence, confidence, discipline and social skills.
And it started with allowing them to be who they came to be.
Scott and I are both musicians. Naturally, we imagined our boys might share our love of music. We introduced them to it and gave them opportunities to explore it. They weren’t interested. They loved sports. So, we traded rehearsals for practices and concert halls for baseball fields. That may sound like a simple example, but letting go of the child we pictured so we can truly see the child in front of us isn’t always easy.
Parents naturally have dreams for their children. We see their potential, want to protect them from mistakes and believe we know which path will lead to success. But when our expectations become the standard our children must meet to earn our approval, they may begin to believe:
…I’m only lovable when I perform.
…I’m only worthy when I make them proud.
…Who I naturally am isn’t enough.
Those beliefs don’t always disappear when childhood ends. They can follow people into adulthood, showing up as a constant need for approval, a fear of disappointing others or a life spent chasing someone else’s definition of success.
Raising children to be who they came to be doesn’t mean giving them no direction, expectations or boundaries. It doesn’t mean allowing them to quit whenever something becomes difficult or avoiding the responsibility of parenting. It means understanding that our role is not to design them. Our role is to help them discover themselves.
That requires patience. It requires curiosity. It requires listening without immediately correcting, directing or comparing. It requires giving them opportunities to explore and the freedom to discover that something isn’t for them. Sometimes our children will share our passions, talents and dreams. What a beautiful connection when they do.
But sometimes they won’t.
They may choose a different sport, career, college, lifestyle or definition of success than the one we imagined. Their path may not make sense to us because it wasn’t designed for us. It was designed for them.
And this is true beyond parenting. Emotionally intelligent teachers don’t try to make every student learn the same way. Great coaches don’t expect every athlete to be motivated by the same message. Strong leaders don’t develop every employee into a replica of themselves. They get curious. They recognize individual strengths. They create space for people to discover what they do well and who they might become.
This week, instead of asking, “Who do I want this person to become?” try asking:
Who are they already showing me they are?
What naturally brings them energy?
When do they appear most confident and alive?
Am I guiding their discovery or directing their identity?
The people we influence need boundaries, accountability, wisdom and leadership. But they also need the freedom to explore, the safety to change their minds and the confidence of knowing their worth is not dependent upon becoming who we imagined.
Helping someone become who they came to be takes patience. Helping them believe that who they are is worthy takes love. And giving them the emotional intelligence to carry that person confidently into the world? That is how we develop the Human Advantage.
