The Real Reason You Feel Disappointed
Disappointment is an emotion we don’t talk about enough… at least not honestly. We tend to frame it as something that happens to us. Someone lets us down. An outcome doesn’t go the way we hoped. A decision doesn’t align with what we envisioned. And so, we say we’re disappointed.
But if we’re willing to look a little deeper, disappointment is often rooted in something else entirely: someone didn’t make the choice we wanted them to make.
More specifically, disappointment frequently arises when someone else doesn’t act in a way we would have chosen. When their decision doesn’t reflect our expectations, our preferences, or our vision for how things “should” go.
… A friend chooses a different city than you expected.
… A colleague takes a job you wouldn’t have advised.
… Someone RSVPs “no” to something that mattered to you.
And suddenly, disappointment shows up. But if we’re honest, it’s often not about the decision itself. It’s that they didn’t make the decision we wanted them to make.
But beneath those statements is a quieter truth: It’s not the outcome itself that’s unsettling… it’s that the outcome wasn’t ours to decide. The reality is simple, even if it’s not always easy to accept:
… Their life is not your life.
… Their decision is not your decision.
… Their path is not your path.
This is where many people reference Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” philosophy - a powerful reminder to allow others to make their own choices, learn their own lessons, and live their own lives. It’s a helpful reframe, especially for those of us who are wired to guide, support, and, at times, protect. But “let them” is only part of the equation. The real shift happens when we pair it with something deeper:
Be who you came to be.
When you are grounded in your own identity - when you are clear on who you are and how you choose to show up - you begin to release the need for others to align with your expectations. You no longer rely on their decisions to validate your perspective or reinforce your sense of control. And something interesting happens: You find yourself feeling disappointed less often.
Not because outcomes always go your way, but because you no longer attach your emotional state to outcomes you don’t control. Instead, you naturally extend permission to others to become who they came to be.
I’ve experienced this firsthand as my son, Ben, made his college decision. He chose the University of Tennessee - a choice that, on paper, looks very different from what might have seemed most practical or convenient. The University of Kansas is less than an hour from home, offers in-state tuition, and holds deep personal significance for our family.
And yet, I’m not disappointed. I’m excited for him.
That doesn’t mean the transition is without emotion. There is a natural sadness that comes with this season - the realization that he’s leaving home, stepping into independence, and beginning a new chapter. But that sadness exists alongside pride and excitement. It’s not either/or; it’s both. That’s what fulfillment looks like.
We didn’t raise him to stay close for our comfort. We didn’t raise him to follow a predetermined path. We raised him to be who HE came to be. We raised him to build the self-awareness, confidence, and trust necessary to make decisions for his own life. So now, when he makes one, I don’t feel the need to control it. Because he’s not guessing. He’s choosing.
This is the shift available to all of us - in parenting, in leadership, and in our relationships. When we focus on being who we came to be, we stop projecting our expectations onto others. We stop turning our disappointment into pressure, guilt, or influence that asks someone else to carry what is ours to process.
Instead, we create space. Space for others to think, decide, and grow. Space for them to be who they came to be. And in doing so, we reclaim our energy and attention, directing it back to the one thing we actually own: How we show up. How we act. How we react to others' decisions.
One of the most empowering realizations we can have is this: No one cares about your success more than you do.
Rather than discouraging, this truth is deeply freeing. It removes the illusion that others are responsible for our outcomes and reinforces our ability to take ownership of our lives. So when disappointment arises - and it will - the question isn’t how to change the outcome or the person involved. The question is:
Am I disappointed in what happened, or am I uncomfortable with the fact that they didn’t choose what I would have?
From there, the path forward becomes clear.
Let them.
Let them be who THEY came to be.
And YOU be who YOU came to be.
Because when you choose to be who you came to be, you don’t just change your own life - you give everyone around you permission to do the same.
