Tara’s Tips: Part 5
I grew up in a small town, and across the soybean field from our house was a little gas station run by a woman named Doris.
We were allowed to walk there by ourselves, following a trail through the field to visit Doris and buy a treat.
One day, I came home chewing Wrigley’s Spearmint gum.
My mom looked at me and asked, “Did Doris give you that gum?”
I knew exactly what I had done. I hadn’t paid for it.
I looked at my mom and immediately started crying. She sent me to my piggy bank to get a quarter, then told me I had to walk back to the gas station, tell Doris what I had done, apologize and pay for the gum.
That was the longest walk through the soybean field I had ever taken.
But it taught me two lessons I have never forgotten:
Don’t take something that doesn’t belong to you.
And when you do something wrong, own it, apologize and make it right.
As parents, we spend a lot of time teaching our children right from wrong. But so much of what they learn doesn’t come from what we tell them. It comes from what we model.
I always say: If you can teach your child to cheer for your favorite college or NFL team simply because they’ve watched you cheer for that team, imagine what else they’re learning by watching you.
...They notice how we treat people.
...They notice whether we tell the truth.
...They notice when we make excuses.
And they notice whether we can admit when we are wrong.
There were times when Ben and Jack were little that I didn’t handle something well. Maybe I lost my cool or responded more harshly than I should have.
When that happened, I tried to go back and say:
“Mom lost her cool, and I’m sorry. I didn’t handle that well. Here is what I should have done differently.”
Apologizing to our children doesn’t weaken our authority. It strengthens our relationship. It shows them that adults make mistakes too and that making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. What matters is whether you are willing to take responsibility for what happens next.
We expected the same accountability from our boys.
If they got in trouble at school or were disrespectful in calss, I made them write an apology letter. They hated it.
“But no one else has to do this!” they would tell me. But ....they would write the apology letter and get it signed off on at school.
I wasn’t trying to shame them or force them to write an empty “I’m sorry.” I wanted them to slow down and consider:
What did I do?
How did my choice affect someone else?
What am I genuinely sorry for?
What can I do to repair the harm?
What will I do differently next time?
And then go have a face-to-face conversation with the teacher about it. That is accountability.
Accountability is not saying, “I’m sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry, but she started it.”
“I’m sorry, but I was having a bad day.”
“I’m sorry, but that wasn’t what I meant.”
An explanation may provide context, but it does not erase the impact.
A sincere apology doesn’t contain a “but.”
It sounds more like:
“I was wrong. I understand how my actions affected you. I’m sorry. Here is what I will do differently.”
Holding Ben and Jack accountable didn’t make them afraid to tell us when they made a mistake. Over time, it created trust.
They learned that they didn’t have to lie, cover something up, or pretend to be perfect. They could admit what happened, accept the consequences, correct it, and move forward.
That is what we want for our children - not perfection, but integrity.
Because children who believe mistakes are unacceptable learn to hide them.
Children who learn that mistakes can be acknowledged and repaired become honest, resilient and accountable. And this lesson doesn’t end when childhood does.
We all drop the ball. We lose our cool, miss a deadline, double-book something, hurt someone or make the wrong decision.
When that happens, we have a choice.
We can make excuses, shift the blame, and protect our ego.
Or we can say:
“I made a mistake. I take full responsibility. I am sincerely sorry. Here is how I’m going to make it right.”
That is emotional intelligence.
It requires the self-awareness to recognize what you did, the empathy to understand its impact, the humility to apologize and the courage to change your behavior.
It is also leadership.
The people we trust most are not the people who never make mistakes. They are the people who tell the truth when they do and take responsibility for repairing what they can.
So, the next time your child makes a mistake, resist the urge to immediately rescue them, excuse the behavior, or shame them for getting it wrong.
Help them answer:
What happened?
Who was affected?
What do you need to own?
How can you make it right?
What will you do differently next time?
And the next time you get it wrong, let them watch you do the same.
Our children do not need perfect parents, and we do not need perfect children.
We need homes where people are allowed to make mistakes, but are also expected to own them, learn from them, and repair the harm they caused.
Because emotional intelligence isn’t never getting it wrong. It’s knowing how to make it right.
I hope you've enjoyed this 5 part series on parenting an emotionally intelligent kid. Next month we'll be focused on human skills that technology and AI will NEVER be able to replace! You are the Human Advantage!!
Keep shining- be who you came to be,
